I Hate Your Email Etiquette

As a corporate society, we've officially become over-reliant on email as the main form of business communication. I'm guilty, you're guilty, even your mom is guilty, and she types with two fingers like a fucking orangutan. But there are so many things wrong with email - mainly the etiquette involved - that almost 90% of the emails I receive make me want to put my foot through my monitor.

For example...

- Smiley faces. Fuck you, smiley faces. Sending me a dick-ish email, whining and moaning about some fucking document you didn't get (or more likely deleted because you're a fucking idiot) and then adding a little smiley face at the end of it does not make it forgivable. In fact, I'd rather you just added a threat to the end of it instead, something like, "I'm going to murder you in your sleep if you don't send me this shit in exactly one hour." If you did that, I would like you much, much more. But no, you use a fucking smiley face instead of idle threats. And every time I see one, I want to sew my eyelids shut, because you fucking suck. I once had a man put a smiley face at the end of his email. A MAN. So, so, so gay. Oh, and a huge, ripe, triple "fuck you" to those of you who use winking smiley faces. This is work, when the fuck did this become okay? What if I signed my emails, "8==========> - - - -- " Would that be okay? No, I would be fired, and so should you.

- Salutations. Don't say to me, "Best" when you finish an email. What the fuck does that even mean? Best what? You're the best? No, you're not. You're fucking balding and you're fat and you smell like italian dressing, so you are not the best. And "Regards". What are we, fucking World War II pen-pals? Are you worried my face might be melted by a canister of mustard gas? Just write "Thanks", it makes you sound like less of a fucking nerd, if that's possible.

- People who sign their names with just one character. Really? Okay, 'T', see if you can decipher this message: Suck my C, you B, I hope you fall off a B and D. REGARDS :) A.

- I can't fucking stand replying to something that is easily solved via a phone call. God forbid we fucking use our fucking voices to speak to each other to work out a fucking issue. No, let's send a one sentence email so I can respond with just one fucking word. PICK UP THE FUCKING PHONE AND ASK ME WHETHER OR NOT I FINISHED THE FUCKING DECK FOR VOLKSWAGEN!!!!!!

- People who turn every email into an art show. Honestly, if you think I can't figure out which words are important, then why the fuck am I working here? Oh, I appreciate you bolding the word "Urgent" but because you patronize me, I'm going to do the complete opposite and make is less of a priority now that you decided to treat me like a fucking three-year-old, Picasso.

- People who use the Outlook "High Importance" button on every single email. These people are the fucking worst. When I see that exclamation point, I want to vomit. OH MY GOD, CHERYL JUST EMAILED ME WITH HIGH IMPORTANCE TO LET ME KNOW THAT THE COPIER IS DOWN! WE'RE ALL GOING TO FUCKING DIE! These emails get the old Shift-Delete, out of spite. You are no more important than the next person, dickhead, so get over yourself.

- People who ask for email receipts. I know this isn't common, but there are actually people out there who do this, and it couldn't be more fucking obnoxious. Oh, you want to keep track of me because I never respond to your dumb fucking ideas? SHIFT DELETE - NO MOTHERFUCKING RECEIPT FOR YOU!

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