I Hate Your NFL Mock Draft

NFL mock drafts were spawned directly from a pile of Satan's dog's shit. I can't stand seeing them pop-up on every goddamn website I visit. I came to Amazon.com to buy "Children of Men" on Blu-Ray, not read about Taylor-fucking-May's vertical. Unfortunately, this time of year, mock drafts are harder to avoid than Peter King's tits on a crowded elevator. It's just another sad fact about life that we all have to accept, like your hairline. Now, I'm fine with the draft itself. In fact, I used to love the draft. In college, we would wake up bright and early and be blacked-out by the time Mike Tice forgot to phone in his 1st round pick. Now I'm an old loser and don't do that anymore, and the 1st round is actually on a Thursday night, but again, I'm fine with the idea of the draft. It's the lead-up that fucking sucks.

And even when I do come across a draft that I'd like to scan over quickly, I always find out that I have to pay to read it. Actually money to read on the internet? Are you kidding? It's like a stat-nerd's peepshow. Do I really have to sign up for a 12 year subscription just to see carbon-copy blurbs from scouts who are so fucking drunk on whiskey that they think they're relaying messages to the Pope? Give me a break. I will never pay to see a mock draft. I'd rather give money that Asian guy who plays the plastic recorder on the F train. And he is the most untalented musician I have ever met.

Even worse, none of these mock drafts are even remotely accurate past the first two or three picks of the draft. Some are wrong from the get-go. Every sportswriter in America thinks he's a fucking cowboy and starts getting bold with his selections so that once the actual NFL draft is over, if one of his random picks happens to come to fruition, he can boast about it to his colleagues as he shoves that third piece of Italian combo into his fat-fucking-face. It's more of a waste of time than paying your taxes is.

Also, mock drafts have burned me way too many times in the past, and I was forced to learn a lesson the hard way. You see, I am a Jets fan. Up until a few years ago, draft day was a day of absolute fucking misery. Actually, pretty much the whole year was an never-ending repetition of ball-kicks. But right before every draft, no matter how awful the Jets prospects were, I'd still jump online, click through a mock draft, see the Jets getting someone awesome, and start to believe it could happen. Then, draft day would come, and we'd draft some fucking loser like Dwayne Robertson or trade our 1st round pick for Doug Jolley, and I would flirt with taking up a heroin addiction but instead drink until I was blind for 36 hours and maybe cry a little bit in the bathroom of the bar.

But back then I deserved it. Now, I know better.

Honestly, if you're that intent on putting college players on paper and seeing where they land, you might as well create your own mock draft. Don't know any of the player's positions? It doesn't matter! Don't know the NFL team's specific needs? It Doesn't matter! Don't like football? It doesn't matter! Don't speak English? It doesn't matter! Because your guess is as good as any of these morons is, so go nuts! You will be as accurate as the other Monday Morning Quarterbacks, only you won't be suffering from congestive heart failure.

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