I Hate April Fools Day

I’ll be the first to admit that I have an odd sense of humor. Dry as sandpaper, weird like that friend of yours who goes to bed wearing a turtleneck and dress socks. Run of the mill stuff does not make me laugh, not even a little. When I'm at the movies watching a marginally funny movie and the rest of the audience is hyperventilating with laughter over unfunny, hokey jokes, I have the sudden urge to napalm the theater. I just don't get how dumb, predictable shit is funny. Maybe I'm the asshole and I'm missing something, but honestly, I doubt it. On the other hand, you show me videos of drunken people talking about famous historical events in between bouts of puking and passing out, and I'm fucking convulsing.

The reason I'm telling you this is that I fucking loathe April Fool's Day. It is one of the most unfunny, stupid "holidays", in existence. If I ever invent a time machine – and believe me, I will – the first thing on my list is to go back and shoot the “inventor” of this fucking day. Oh hey, the newspaper says that it rained frogs in Seattle today! Wucka-Wucka! Watch me honk my fucking hand-held horn and shoot water in your eye from the fake flower pinned to lapel!

(chugs Drano)

A few years back, someone referred to me as a 'Scrooge' because I didn't want to join in on some unoriginal joke where my coworker was going to tell our boss that another coworker quit unexpectedly. I listened to his pitch, but then suggested that we say this same coworker was seen prancing around the East Village wearing a pink boa, a cheetah pattern halter-top, seven inch heels, waving a gun at tourists, and offering $5 HJs, but all I got in return was a blank stare. So, instead of agreeing to his awful idea, I told him I thought it was stupid, and wanted nothing to do with it. Then he called me a 'Scrooge' and huffed off.

Police found his body six weeks later floating in the East River. They have no leads and no suspects...


So to sum it up, I hate today, and I probably hate you for not hating today as much as I do, so go take your lame-ass fucking jokes about two-headed cats and computer viruses and fake resignations and go have a lame-ass fucking party with fucking shitty cake and watch "Wild Hogs" or something else equally suicide-inducing. You suck and so does today.

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