I Hate Meetings
For all of you who spend nine hours a day rotting in a fluorescent-lit cube while surrounded by people who, albeit tolerable, sometimes make you want to light your face on fire, I'm sure you'll all agree with me on one of the things that I find to be the most ridiculous aspect of corporate America. And no it's not the shallow banter with people you secretly despise, or the inability to tune out the asshole down your row who laughs like a fucking circus imbecile, or the monotonous routine that sometimes make you wonder what would happen if you suddenly threw a rock through the conference room LCD screen. No, it's much more petty and simple than any of that.
It's just the abundance of fucking meetings. The never ending rush of meetings. God, do I fucking hate meetings.
Maybe it's my adult ADHD, or my inability to focus on someone speaking without coarsely criticizing every word they say because they sound like they're reading from a buzzword handbook in order to sound intelligent instead of mediocre (which they probably are), but personally, I'd rather spend an afternoon having political debates with homeless people than spend my time in a meeting.
When I see a meeting invite appear in my inbox, I briefly flirt with the idea of smashing my computer screen in with my fist, smearing the blood on my face, and screaming at the top of my lungs until I either vomit or pass out. Extreme reaction? Fuck you. Nothing is an extreme reaction when you're faced with a potential sixty-minute slice-of-your-always-diminishing-life being flushed down the toilet because some higher-up wants to hear himself talk for an hour. I work in advertising sales. I'm sure some of you out there do as well, so you know the feeling when some dickhead wants to discuss an integration concerning their adult diaper product, or you're forced to click through a PowerPoint presentation that looks like it was constructed by a blind person. It's literally less fun than eating hot garbage. But for those of you who don't know what it's like, for those of you who are able to avoid this ritual privy to corporate slobs, well, I can't decide if I envy you, or hope your boss suddenly decides to force you to attend a one-on-one motivational seminar hosted by Andy Dick.
Hey look at this, what a coincidence, another meeting reminder!
/burns down building
Fuck you, meetings.