I Hate Your Abbreviations

It's no secret that everyone in this country is getting lazier by the day. And I am no exception - I've gotten to the point where I wish there was a urinal under my desk because I dread having to walk the twenty steps to the bathroom. In my head it's the Bataan Death March. Fuuuucccckkkk, I have to walk by Derek, he is so fucking annoying, I don't care about your fucking kid's little league team...

I've also voiced my desire to have a water bottle attached to the wall by my bed at home. Like a hamster. God forbid I get out of bed and fetch myself a glass, no, I need a little tube so I can roll over on my soft belly and have a few sips in the middle of the night and make sure my feet don't get cold. And yes, I am aware that just two generations ago, Americans slaughtered Nazi's with cast-iron frying pans and survived without a 52'' HD Samsung TV and had no problem working 90 hours a week for $4.50 a day, so I don't need to hear it again.

Anyway, I blame all of these problems on science. So fuck you, science.

Unfortunately, this penchant for laziness bleeds into every aspect of our lives. For me, it's most notable at my place of work - as you have probably already surmised - where it's spreading like that rash on your inner-thigh (editor's note: GO SEE A FUCKING DOCTOR ALREADY).

I know I briefly touched on this subject last week, but I think it needs more touching on, because nothing makes me want to guillotine myself with a elevator door more than when people refuse to spell out shit that I need to do in an email. It's like deciphering the fucking Zodiac Killer's code.

"Hey A-, can you grab the DB's from C and bring them over to the AVFO bldg? Thx."

Wait, what? Was that English?

And it's only getting worse. If there isn't an acronym or a shortened version of the word already, some dickhead will create one.

"Thx..."

ARE YOU KIDDING ME? You couldn't spare less than one second of your stupid life to add in two more letters? Are you so preoccupied with backstabbing Johnny from sales that you couldn't just write "thanks." You deserve a errant brick to the head.

Here are a few more contractions/acronyms that make me want to murder...

IMHO
Too be honest, I'd rather listen to those retards on "The Real Housewives of New York" debate Canada's foreign policy than hear your "humble opinion." I know it's your opinion. You don't have to caveat everything you say just because you're a fucking little bitch. Here's my opinion: fall into a landfill filled with asbestos.

TTYL
Nope. Not talking to you later. Why? Because you're going to be DEAD!

COB/EOD
People who use this term can go get fucked. Just tell me you want it by the end of the day. Do you actually say "close of business" when you're talking to your coworkers? No, because you're not a Sudanese refugee, and you speak like every other moron in this country, so stop trying to sound smarter than you are. I already saw that James Patterson book on your desk, so give it up.

Plz
This falls in line with writing "thx." Just as douchey, just as blood-curdling. Now PLZ go get mounted by Lady GaGa, because you are terrible, and I hope your spouse is cheating on you.

TY
I've seen emails where a person uses this to sign off. TY. T-FUCKING-Y. That's it. This is the equivalent of a morbidly obese person getting cholesterol injected directly into their heart, because they've pretty much given up, and so have you.

FYI
For Your Information, I hate you. I also put laxatives in your coffee and licked your turkey sandwich while you were washing your hands. Enjoy!


One day, when I'm the boss (never), I'm just going to send out blank-fucking-emails, and follow up with the people that I send them to to make sure they understand it. And when they buck, I'm going to fire them on the spot, because that's the fuck how I do. "Oh what, you can write emails in Morse Code, but you can't decipher the meaning of my email? Well guess what? You're fucking FIRED."

I Hate Conference Calls

Working in an office, you must learn to cope with annoying people, because almost everyone is annoying in some way. Some people just don't "get it", mainly because they fucking suck. They have zero awareness of anything going on around them. And these people do not confine their stupidity to the office, oh no - they are the same people who try to read a book while walking down a busy street, treat waiters like ancient Egyptian slaves, and eat Quizno's Italian Combo subs dripping with balsamic vinegar on a fucking unventilated subway. They are the very top of the asshole chain. They are the apex of assholes, if that's possible.

And life would make too much sense if it was just one guy/girl who did all of this annoying shit, because then I would be able to focus all my hatred on one target. But no. It's all different people doing different but equally aggravating shit. Some of them are disgusting eaters. They microwave food that smells like Bum Feet and eat it three feet away from my nostrils. And they will eat it loudly, like a fucking starved pig sawing through a deer carcass. Other people like to listen to music. Like Salsa music or Musak or something equally as terrible, all of which make me want to funnel boiling cooking grease directly into my ear-canal. Some people bicker with their spouses while I cringe..."Do not buy those. DO NOT BUY THOSE. I TOLD YOU YESTERDAY WE DON'T NEED ANYMORE FUCKING TOWELS. WHY DON'T YOU EVER FUCKING LISTEN TO ME? FINE, GO OUT WITH SHARON, SHE'S A SLUT..." Some people coo with spouses while I vomit into my lap - "Ohhh baby, I love you so much. You are the best baby. What's that, baby? I'm your snuggle muffin, baby? Awww, baby, I love you too. Mmmm I can't wait to see you in three hours either, baby..." Some people have full discussions all by themselves, like shitty, a one-man, unsponsored Shakespeare play in Central Park, starring that creep from across the hall who does his laundry wearing only underwear and a v-neck. The aggravations are literally endless. But the worst of them all are the people who put their conference calls on speakerphone. Those people deserve to rot in a Bengali prison.

I know I'm a little crazy, but listening to people hold conference calls through a speakerphone at their desks, to me, is the annoyance-equivalent of someone screaming in Arabic through a megaphone while beating a tambourine into an amplifier and using a jackhammer on a piece sheet metal while I'm trying to sleep five feet away. The minute I hear that scratchy jumble of stupid voices, my stomach boils. And the call can never be kept quiet. That would be to cordial. No, these people feel the need to pump their speakerphone volume to level 7,860, making the people on the line sound like Buffalo Bill from "Silence of the Lambs."

And conference calls in general are the fucking worst. The calls are always super-disorganized; it's mostly people mumbling and whispering and typing too loud and bullshitting about the weather "How is it out there, Bob? Is it raining. It's raining here. Is it nice where you are, Bob?" BOB IS IN CALI-FUCKING-FORNIA, FUCKFACE, OF COURSE IT'S NICE OUT!!!!

And there is always a technically-retarded person on the call who is unable to hear anyone because they have the call on mute and they're just saying, "hello...hello...hello..." until they hang up and dial in again. They click all the buttons at once so it sounds like Speak-and-Spell while some other shithead wanna-be-hero tries to help them, even though shithead #1 can't hear a fucking thing. At this point, I'm so annoyed I put the call on mute and start to decide who I'm going to pimp-slap when I win the lottery.

Once the call is underway, it usually takes me less than three seconds to decide who I hate the most. There have been times when I've been on calls with like thirty fucking people, and after just one introduction, "KAAARRRAA in Chicago..." I will already know that I hate this person. And I also know that they will be the one who needs things explained sixty times.

Person Leading the Call: So does anyone not understand the 35 minutes of nonsense I've just dictated?

(Silence)

Person Who Doesn't Fucking Get It: Umm, yeah, actually, Ken, I don't. If you don't mind, could you repeat it all again? My three-year-old nephew and my Ukrainian Au Pair just joined me, so I just want to make sure everyone is in the loop on this.

That blood-curdling screaming you hear? That raging cry of lost humanity? That's my fucking soul. It gets stabbed in the fucking eye every time someone extends a call for the sole purpose of feeling important and having their voice heard and contributing to the worthlessness of what's unfolding before us. And this same person, the one who needs everything repeated, he/she will be the one who keeps the call going just as its about to wrap up.

Person Leading the Call: Well, I think we're all set here. Thank you for sacrificing 123 minutes of your life to hear my idea that will never see the light of day. I will be setting up 34 more meetings this week because I'm paid handsomely to do futile shit like this.

Person Who Doesn't Fucking Get It: Ummm, did we discuss the time frame for this idea? What about budgets? And time travel, did we discuss that? Can we also go over why my husband/wife fucked the cleaning lady/plumber? I was too busy putting the call on mute and bad-mouthing my assistant for being a slut and wishing my kids didn't hate me for never being home so I can be here to BE THE MOTHERFUCKING ASSHOLE WHO MAKES CONFERENCE CALLS DRAG ON FOR 3 FUCKING HOURS!!!

(crying on a bus stop bench)

Honestly, I could keep going. I could probably write 45,000 words on speakerphones and conference calls. I could pull a Jack Torrence and write the phrase "Speakerphones and Conference Calls suck fucking dick" a million times over. But I'll stop here, because each paragraph I write on this topic is shaving six months off my life.

I Hate Your Email Etiquette

As a corporate society, we've officially become over-reliant on email as the main form of business communication. I'm guilty, you're guilty, even your mom is guilty, and she types with two fingers like a fucking orangutan. But there are so many things wrong with email - mainly the etiquette involved - that almost 90% of the emails I receive make me want to put my foot through my monitor.

For example...

- Smiley faces. Fuck you, smiley faces. Sending me a dick-ish email, whining and moaning about some fucking document you didn't get (or more likely deleted because you're a fucking idiot) and then adding a little smiley face at the end of it does not make it forgivable. In fact, I'd rather you just added a threat to the end of it instead, something like, "I'm going to murder you in your sleep if you don't send me this shit in exactly one hour." If you did that, I would like you much, much more. But no, you use a fucking smiley face instead of idle threats. And every time I see one, I want to sew my eyelids shut, because you fucking suck. I once had a man put a smiley face at the end of his email. A MAN. So, so, so gay. Oh, and a huge, ripe, triple "fuck you" to those of you who use winking smiley faces. This is work, when the fuck did this become okay? What if I signed my emails, "8==========> - - - -- " Would that be okay? No, I would be fired, and so should you.

- Salutations. Don't say to me, "Best" when you finish an email. What the fuck does that even mean? Best what? You're the best? No, you're not. You're fucking balding and you're fat and you smell like italian dressing, so you are not the best. And "Regards". What are we, fucking World War II pen-pals? Are you worried my face might be melted by a canister of mustard gas? Just write "Thanks", it makes you sound like less of a fucking nerd, if that's possible.

- People who sign their names with just one character. Really? Okay, 'T', see if you can decipher this message: Suck my C, you B, I hope you fall off a B and D. REGARDS :) A.

- I can't fucking stand replying to something that is easily solved via a phone call. God forbid we fucking use our fucking voices to speak to each other to work out a fucking issue. No, let's send a one sentence email so I can respond with just one fucking word. PICK UP THE FUCKING PHONE AND ASK ME WHETHER OR NOT I FINISHED THE FUCKING DECK FOR VOLKSWAGEN!!!!!!

- People who turn every email into an art show. Honestly, if you think I can't figure out which words are important, then why the fuck am I working here? Oh, I appreciate you bolding the word "Urgent" but because you patronize me, I'm going to do the complete opposite and make is less of a priority now that you decided to treat me like a fucking three-year-old, Picasso.

- People who use the Outlook "High Importance" button on every single email. These people are the fucking worst. When I see that exclamation point, I want to vomit. OH MY GOD, CHERYL JUST EMAILED ME WITH HIGH IMPORTANCE TO LET ME KNOW THAT THE COPIER IS DOWN! WE'RE ALL GOING TO FUCKING DIE! These emails get the old Shift-Delete, out of spite. You are no more important than the next person, dickhead, so get over yourself.

- People who ask for email receipts. I know this isn't common, but there are actually people out there who do this, and it couldn't be more fucking obnoxious. Oh, you want to keep track of me because I never respond to your dumb fucking ideas? SHIFT DELETE - NO MOTHERFUCKING RECEIPT FOR YOU!

I Hate Office Culture

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