I Hate Your Facebook Profile

Facebook is great tool with many enjoyable and practical uses for daily entertainment. You can stalk random people you barely know, see who's gained the most weight since college, tag friends in photos that will hopefully get them fired, and link your poorly-scribed blog to increase traffic from 10 people to 20 people a day. But like any good thing, people tend to take things too far. By becoming obsessed with Facebook, people reveal things about their persona that should be kept tucked away, hidden in shame. for starters, self-absorption. And an absolute need for attention. If you're so obsessed with attention, why not start writing a blog full of swears and weakly constructed arguments? Trust me, it will make you will feel very important. But if you choose not to create a blog, then please, please stop letting me see that you became a fan of "the sun." It makes me die a little inside.

Here are a few other things that drive me fucking insane on Facebook, and hope that soon they will become offenses punishable by caning in front of every single person you know.

Weather Statuses
I am not stuck in solitary confinement, I can see out my fucking window. So can every other fucking person you’re friends with. Nobody likes the rain, I get it, you share the same sentiment as EVERY OTHER PERSON ON THE FUCKING PLANET. Wah wah wah when will the rain stop? Wah wah wah, when will I see the sun again? I know when, right after I KILL YOU.

Veiled Statuses

These are posted by assholes that would suck poison from a syringe found at the bottom of a homeless man’s garbage bag if they were promised social attention in return. Oh, you can’t believe you did “that” last night? Well, I will naturally assume that “that” is being gang-banged by thirty Ecuadorian immigrants, so if I ever see you again and don’t happen to make eye contact, well, at least you know why.

Page Suggestions

Let me explain something, and I’m sure I speak for every other fucking person I know: I am almost thirty-fucking-years old, I can decide which websites I like all-by-my-fucking-self. So no, I do not want to click through your independent marketing page. It fucking sucks. And it looks like it was designed by a four-year-old. And you have gotten fat and gone bald since college. So stop sending me this shit.

Requests to Do Shit
I haven’t seen your ugly face since elementary school. Even then, I wasn’t friends with you. I don’t think I’ve ever said a word to you. I only accepted your friend request so that when you eventually go on a murder spree, you will hopefully spare my life. But seriously, why in the holy fuck would I ever want to see pictures from your Farmville game?

Mass Event Invites
Oh, sweet, a fucking birthday party! Open bar? Even fucking sweeter. Wait…9,763 people are invited? Where is this party being held, the Javits Center? Should I really expect to see our 6th grade English Teacher and your Aunt Sally there, or did you send this out to every motherfucker that you’re friends with?

Status Junkies
You are driving home…You are watching “Dancing with the Stars”…You are ready for bed…You are having coffee…You are hating work…You are excited to leave work… You are driving home…You are watching “Dancing with the Stars”…You are ready for bed....

You know what? Do me a favor, let me know when you’re about to thwart some would-be-robbers with a flare gun and a butcher knife, because I DON’T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT YOUR LONELY, BORING, MONOTONOUS FUCKING DAY!

Fan Pages
Just once, I would like someone become a fan of “diarrhea” or “murder.” Then, and only then, will my opinion on this matter sway. Because fan pages are just another way for someone to cry for attention. “Hey look at me, I like the ocean! Do you like the ocean too? Holy shit, we both like the ocean! We should let people know on Facebook about our collective love of the ocean. We’re definitely not like the other 459,000,000,000 people on the earth that like to look at the fucking ocean!”

This last one was brought to my attention by a keen-eyed reader, and I just had to add it in.

Status Updates while on Vacation

You are in one of the most beautiful places on God's Green Fucking Earth, and you're updating your status? Really? REALLY??? You know what? You don't deserve a vacation. What you deserve is to be kidnapped and shackled to a boiler in a basement and then forced to watch Rosie O'Donnell take a dump for three weeks.

No comments: