Fireside with Beautiful: 4/22/10

Beautiful - a.k.a. The Nine Fingered Fellow - is The Hate Parade's surly field reporter, forever stuck on the road, hidden behind tints, eyes glazed with sticky, ear's only able to understand the words of Eazy-E, but fluent in Sean Price. I send him topics at random. He responds back with hazy confusion and twisted anger.

2012 aka "End of the World"
So what? Maybe it is, maybe it isn’t, maybe go fuck yo’self. But if it is the end of the world, I hope we get at LEAST a month in advance notice, because there’s some people I’d like slap the fuck out of before I go. Personally I find it extremely hard to believe some ancient civilization predicted the end of the world to the exact year. I saw on the History Channel, or some porn site, that their fucking calendar doesn’t even end in 2012. But so what if it did? Maybe the Mayan guy in charge of making the calendars got all boogered up one night and fell asleep with a big Mayan joint still lit in his mouth, and set part of the “Future Calendars” on fire? Who the fuck really knows what went down back then? All I know is, I’m not believing these motherfuckers. Did they know Doc Brown? If the Mayan King or whoever ran shit back then did hit 88mph and saw some serious shit, then why be illusive about it? That’s a valuable piece of info you wouldn’t want to leave open to interpretation. What is a Mayan anyway? My high school history teacher looked like a Muppet with open sores on his head, so he got harassed, and we learned nothing.

Kate Gosselin
Who is this broad, Cheetarah? She’s got to be half Thundercat or something; it’s not normal for humans to have eight kids all under the age of two. Then again, it’s not normal to want your life on display for the whole world to see. I’m happy for her though, really, I am. It’s every little girls dream to grow up, get married, give birth to a flag football team, then go on TV to show your family off, which in turn, eventually ruins your family. TADA!

iPhone, iPod, iStore...

“Fuck em, up against the wall, with handcuffs on em and crazy glue on they lips” –Bernie Mac

For the record, I’m anti "i". I’ve never even owned an iPod. Come to think of it, I’ve never bought anything made by Apple. Fuck that company and fuck all of you out there who brag about owning more than one “i” device.

“I have the big one for my car, the nano for jogging, the shuffle for...when I don’t want to listen to the tracks in order, I guess?"

But it doesn’t matter what it’s called, because no matter how many "i" products you own, when the new one is released, certain members of the public just have to have it. Cut to a bunch of assholes waiting on a line for hours, sometimes days, to buy a device that pretty much does the same shit as the other shit they already bought from Apple. Are you fucking serious? Don’t you shitbags have jobs? Now we have the iPad. Oh cool, a gigantic iPhone that costs $30,000 or whatever asshole-price the asshole-public is willing to pay, assholes. How many motherfucking devices do you need to play music on?

Americans always wonder why the rest of the globe hates us. Well here's your answer. The "i" obsession - that's your fucking answer. People in some countries can’t even FIND steady work to afford a motherfucking breadcrumb to eat, but we can call in sick and wait in line for two days for the Apple store to open so you can waste money and buy the newest hi-tech Walkman.

Quick Hits:

1. Black Licorice
I got nothing to say about this so called “candy.” It’s completely ridiculous to produce something that tastes like a mixture of car tires and medicine and sell it to the public. Good n’ Plenty should be ashamed of themselves. Pricks.

2. Reggaeton
If I wanted to here someone scream “Fuego” over and over again, I’d set a house on fire in Spanish Harlem. I hate this music, I HATE IT!!!!

3. Cigarette Prices
I hate it when people complain about the rising price of smokes. Quit motherfucker, what the fuck do you want from me?

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