I Hate The State of Robert De Niro's Career

Robert De Niro's agent should be skinned and then rolled through a sandbox filled with crumbled salt and vinegar chips. No, no, no fuck that - he should be bound with electrical tape, water-boarded with bum urine, then skinned, and then rolled through a sandbox filled with crumbled salt and vinegar chips. Because what he's done to the career of one of the greatest actors in history is an absolute fucking travesty. And yes, I know, the agent's agency is really to blame (CAA, which De Niro, believe it or not, finally wised-up and fired in 2008) but still, I'm blaming this one particular agent, one who I'm sure has wispy $20,000 hair-plugs and one who wears douchey sunglasses indoors with a big stupid DG insignia on the side and silk-slacks that perfectly highlight his balls to the disgust of everyone who is forced to sit and look at his fat ass as he downs a salad coated with Ranch dressing and crumbled bacon, because it's easier to channel all my hatred toward one person than an entire company.


(sobs under a table)

The decline of De Niro's career since the end of the 1990's is scary. It went from a 10 to a 2.5 in less than a decade. His performances over the past ten years have been cringe-inducing and borderline embarrassing. It's like watching an old divorced man re-released upon the single's scene, frequenting bars and hitting on a bunch of hot chicks who want nothing to do with his Wrangler jeans and comb-over and scent of approaching death that trails him. You know at one point in his life, this guy could have had pretty much any girl he wanted. Now, he's just a fucking creep with cheap-gin-breath and a warped perception of what's "cool." And that sums up what De Niro's career has become. It's so lost, it's not even mockable anymore. But I don't blame De Niro entirely. No, no - I mostly blame his agency, because they're the ones who should have been steering him away from the nonsense he's been marqueeing over the past decade. Let's be honest - if you had the track record De Niro had, and someone gave you $10,000,000 to be in a shitty movie, you would take it. Because, why not?

But just as a reference, here are most of the gems he's starred in from 2000-2009:

2000 - "Men of Honor"; "The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle"
2001 - "15 Minutes"; "Showtime"
2002 - "City by the Sea"; "Analyze That"
2004 - "Godsend"; "Meet the Fockers"; "The Bridge of San Luis Ray"
2005 - "Hide and Seek"
2006 - "The Good Shepherd"
2007 - "Stardust"
2008 - "What Just Happened"; "Righteous Kill"
2009 - "Everybody's Fine"

Aside from "Meet the Parents" and "The Score" (both of which hit theaters before the end of 2001, which, for those of you keeping score, was almost nine years ago), he has wasted ten fucking years making heaping-piles of unwatchable dogshit. "Stardust" is the worst title in the history of film; it sounds like the biopic of Clay Aiken. And what the fuck is, "The Bridge of San Luis Ray"? And “Rocky and Bullwinkle”? Are you fucking serious? Robert De Niro in a live-action cartoon? Just writing that past sentence makes me wish I had a pistol. Someone must have been blackmailing him with photos of him strangling a drifter with piano wire, because it's the only excuse for such an abysmal run.

I understand when comedic actors hit their apex and then start making bombs (i.e. Steve Martin, Chevy Chase and more recently, Jim Carrey), because unfortunately society adjusts to what is currently considered "funny." But how does this happen to a perennial Oscar contender like De Niro, who, up until 1999, was nominated about 8,000 times for best actor? It doesn't make sense.

So, in short, fuck you, ex-De Niro-agent, I hope you end up contracting gonorrhea from Susan Sarandon and go blind. You ruined a whole decade of potential movie magic. And since Bobby is not getting younger, I now have to re-watch "Raging Bull" for the 700th time in order to remember how great of an actor he was, and try not to kill myself by the end of it.


Anonymous said...

It's not his agent..it's his wife..she has stuff on him..he needs money to keep her from taking away his son and his millions. And she beats him. He likes that sort of domestic violence as he remarried her after she broke his rib on a yacht. He also likes money..lots of money. He is not the quiet, shy artist he used to be. Those days are long gone. He has turned out to be the man his father never wanted him to be.

Anonymous said...

I live in Gardiner, NY where Robert De Niro has an estate a road away from where I live.
He and his wife are the nastiest people around. The economy in our area is bad and many people are out of work. Since, they bought the estate, they have hired and FIRED about 100 people from this area. If these people couldn't drop what they were doing at the moment and do something for he and his wife, they were fired. If he was asked for a donation for a local cause, they were fired. I can understand if you're famous and want to keep to yourself, but what they're doing is just plain cruel. We have many other celebrities who live in this area who are loved and treat locals with respecr. They go to local restaurants, help local causes and their privacy is respected by all of us. Robert De Niro and his wife however, are not well liked and not respected by the very people who live near them.