I Hate Adult's Who Ride Scooters
A few months back, I was walking the four blocks from my work to the subway, eyes fixed intensely on the sidewalk, making sure I didn't accidentally wander into that puddle of puke that's always outside of Applebee's on 50th street*. While I was studying the various piles of garbage strewn about the street, something caught my eye - a flicker of light, a quick flash of something metallic. I looked up, and coming at me was a man in a suit riding on a scooter. Right there on the sidewalk! And the scooter wasn't motorized or anything, it was just a regular scooter. He was pushing away with one foot and steering with both hands, zig-zagging his way through pedestrian traffic.
Needless to say, I was SHOCKED. A man, a grown man, on a scooter. Why? Why was he riding a scooter? How far did he ride it? Did he ride it in from the suburbs? Did he bring it on the train? If some fucker sat down next to me with a scooter, and this person wasn't six-years-old, I would tell him to take a fucking hike, because that would be just too ridiculous for me to process.
I couldn't get past what I just witnessed. It was like seeing Jesus playing wiffle ball with Pat Morita. Slowly, the shock wore off and the anger flooded in. I wanted to grab the guy by his lapels, shake him violently for a few seconds, and then scream in his face until I passed out and began weeping hysterically. WHY? WHY? I NEED TO KNOW WHY YOU ARE RIDING ON A SCOOTER THROUGH MIDTOWN MANHATTAN WEARING A SUIT. YOU BETTER HAVE CRIPPLING SAMURAI SWORD WOUNDS TO YOUR LEGS OR ELSE...
This sort of thing is not acceptable. Not under any circumstance. Unless you're fucking Hansel from "Zoolander", you have no business, as an adult, riding a scooter. Do you think you're helping the environment? Well guess what? YOU'RE NOT. Walk. Walk like every other asshole. And you know what, fuck that, this is NYC, the concrete jungle, kids shouldn't be riding scooters on the sidewalk, either. Go ride in the park, or the MOMA, or the Great Kills Landfill, I don't care, just make sure you know that if you bump into me, I'm throwing that thing down a sewer, you spoiled little shit.
I tried to put myself in the scooter guy's position, get into the mind of a man who went out and bought himself a scooter to zoom around on, but I just couldn't. I wouldn't be able to look my family in the eye ever again. My friends would literally make fun of me until I commited suicide. I'm not even joking.
Since the first time I saw the guy on the scooter, I've seen many more people riding these things. One guy in his 60's holding a briefcase; a younger guy in a blazer smoking a cigarette; a woman wearing a helmet - A HELMET! You are literally rolling three-fucking-miles-per-hour down the street, what could you possibly be afraid of? Is your skull made out of graham crackers? Now barely a day goes by where I don't see an adult riding a scooter. I'm convinced it's all a big conspiracy to make my heart explode. Or it could just be one big ridiculous fad that will pass, sort of like the guy who barfs of 50th street each day and my wishes that one day I will not have to see someone's regurgitated Big Mac.
*Just FYI, this is completely true, someone vomits outside of Applebee's almost bi-weekly. Now, I will gladly pay someone $20 to find out who throws up there, and for what reason, because the puke is there at least 5x-8x a month, in the exact same spot. I will gladly fork over cash to speak to someone who is so upset with Applebee's that he/she feels that vomiting outside their door on a regular basis is a solid form of payback. Amazing.