I Hate Adult's Who Ride Scooters


A few months back, I was walking the four blocks from my work to the subway, eyes fixed intensely on the sidewalk, making sure I didn't accidentally wander into that puddle of puke that's always outside of Applebee's on 50th street*. While I was studying the various piles of garbage strewn about the street, something caught my eye - a flicker of light, a quick flash of something metallic. I looked up, and coming at me was a man in a suit riding on a scooter. Right there on the sidewalk! And the scooter wasn't motorized or anything, it was just a regular scooter. He was pushing away with one foot and steering with both hands, zig-zagging his way through pedestrian traffic.

Needless to say, I was SHOCKED. A man, a grown man, on a scooter. Why? Why was he riding a scooter? How far did he ride it? Did he ride it in from the suburbs? Did he bring it on the train? If some fucker sat down next to me with a scooter, and this person wasn't six-years-old, I would tell him to take a fucking hike, because that would be just too ridiculous for me to process.

I couldn't get past what I just witnessed. It was like seeing Jesus playing wiffle ball with Pat Morita. Slowly, the shock wore off and the anger flooded in. I wanted to grab the guy by his lapels, shake him violently for a few seconds, and then scream in his face until I passed out and began weeping hysterically. WHY? WHY? I NEED TO KNOW WHY YOU ARE RIDING ON A SCOOTER THROUGH MIDTOWN MANHATTAN WEARING A SUIT. YOU BETTER HAVE CRIPPLING SAMURAI SWORD WOUNDS TO YOUR LEGS OR ELSE...

This sort of thing is not acceptable. Not under any circumstance. Unless you're fucking Hansel from "Zoolander", you have no business, as an adult, riding a scooter. Do you think you're helping the environment? Well guess what? YOU'RE NOT. Walk. Walk like every other asshole. And you know what, fuck that, this is NYC, the concrete jungle, kids shouldn't be riding scooters on the sidewalk, either. Go ride in the park, or the MOMA, or the Great Kills Landfill, I don't care, just make sure you know that if you bump into me, I'm throwing that thing down a sewer, you spoiled little shit.

I tried to put myself in the scooter guy's position, get into the mind of a man who went out and bought himself a scooter to zoom around on, but I just couldn't. I wouldn't be able to look my family in the eye ever again. My friends would literally make fun of me until I commited suicide. I'm not even joking.

Since the first time I saw the guy on the scooter, I've seen many more people riding these things. One guy in his 60's holding a briefcase; a younger guy in a blazer smoking a cigarette; a woman wearing a helmet - A HELMET! You are literally rolling three-fucking-miles-per-hour down the street, what could you possibly be afraid of? Is your skull made out of graham crackers? Now barely a day goes by where I don't see an adult riding a scooter. I'm convinced it's all a big conspiracy to make my heart explode. Or it could just be one big ridiculous fad that will pass, sort of like the guy who barfs of 50th street each day and my wishes that one day I will not have to see someone's regurgitated Big Mac.



*Just FYI, this is completely true, someone vomits outside of Applebee's almost bi-weekly. Now, I will gladly pay someone $20 to find out who throws up there, and for what reason, because the puke is there at least 5x-8x a month, in the exact same spot. I will gladly fork over cash to speak to someone who is so upset with Applebee's that he/she feels that vomiting outside their door on a regular basis is a solid form of payback. Amazing.

17 comments:

Anonymous said...

whacha got against scooters? they're pretty fun. I don't think i'm better than anyone and I don't give that much of a shit about the environment I just like the idea of moving slightly faster, or much faster on hills, I like the adrenaline. Got mine cuz my girlfriend wanted one for her birthday, as I was looking them up I started to want one too, bought a "kickped" a few weeks ago and I really like it. I've tried to learn to skate but I can't balance for shit. Honestly though they do have flaws, it's a bitch to go uphill, been ripped on by loud drunk Colombia U students (three times in one night), and your fucked if its crowded but i try to stick to not so crowded places. Obviously I can't change your mind just wanted to share my point of view. That helmet thing was weird, I wear one on my bike but with a kick scooter you can literally jump off and land on your feet. (I'm 18btw)

Anonymous said...

Wow...you have some serious anger issues, it's not like the people on scooters are doing anything harmful to you by riding around the city. Maybe they just want to spend less time commuting, and spend more time doing more meaningful things during their day.

Obviously you're entitled to your opinion.
But my recommendation is that you put on blinders like they do on horses, so that you won't freak out over every little thing you see on the streets, like horses do when they see, like, a freaking rock. That or professional counseling...

AirPiratePress said...

I'm with the blogger, 100%. Adults on scooters? On the sidewalk? During rush hour? Selfish douches ...

tymanv003 said...

lol... it is not that serious. As long as the guy isn't harassing anyone or committing any heinous crimes, then he is entitled to ride a scooter if he pleases. That is his business.

Anonymous said...

1) Scooters are for children not adults. It is not appropriate for adults ride them. Have some dignity & display a little self-respect. Why not then just dress like a 5th grader and go to the office?

2) Whether it's a bike, skateboard, scooter, or rollerblades; if you're not a child, you should not be riding on a sidewalk endangering pedestrians. Ride in the street. Have respect for others. What people do in public concerns the public. If you ride it in your backyard, then it's your business.

3) This may be a Hipster driven fad.
~(native of) Brooklyn

Anonymous said...

There's no logical reason why people shouldn't ride scooters. Riding them is more convenient than riding bicycles, and it's faster than walking. So why not? Just because some asshole thinks that scooters are inappropriate for adults? Lol. Go fuck yourself idiots.

Cloudy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Cloudy said...

Adults on scooters does not suprise nor annoy me - perfectly great way to get around.
But was does suprise me is that someone as pigheaded and narrow minded as yourself can, as you say, have any friends

Selina Dorsey said...

I got this kick scooter from Bizarkdeal for my daughter and the day care kids for something fun to play on. Turns much more easily that other onse we have used. It was very simple to assemble. Absolutely love it and the quality is outstanding.

Brad said...

Brilliantly summed up and perfectly written. There isn't a circumstance where it's acceptable for an adult to ride a scooter, except for comedy value when drunk perhaps.

Anonymous said...

There is an entire generation of young and 30-something adults who appear ridiculous in virtually everything they say, think, and worry about. Their voting patterns scream, "I am an idiot!" What difference could it make if they also decide to ride a harmless scooter? You are much more harmed by their failure to learn history, understand the fragility of the American Experiment, and comprehend the magnitude and their responsibility for the national debt. You should be seething, but not about kick scooters. Try to focus.

Anonymous said...

I wonder if you have seen a therapist? I think it would be very helpful for your mental health. I don't mind scooters, and may find them slightly annoying if someone with one bumps into me when walking in the sidewalk. However, your anger seems very pathological and you or others may not be safe around you. Perhaps consider a one year therapy CBT treatment. Some medications like benzodiazepines may help as well. I really hope you're able to get help for your own good.

Mark CM said...

I'd hate to go through life being as vain as you are and constantly worrying about what other people think.Since I decided not to give a fu*K what other people think ... my level of freedom to do whatever I like has sky rocketed and my level of stress has plummeted.

Anonymous said...

I don't understand why anyone's surprised - the name of the blog is "The hate parade" - not the love parade, not the slightly-annoyed parade, but the HATE parade. i don't know what the blog is about (is it satire? is it like Peter Griffin's "What Really Grinds My Gears"?). but from the title, it's obvious there would be no love for adults on scooters in this blog post.

with that said, i found this blog because i was contemplating whether i should buy a scooter for commuting. thanks to this blog, i decided to buy one. because as i read this, i realized that what's worse than an adult riding a kick scooter is an adult who doesn't do something that they want to because it might embarrass them in the eyes of others. being an adult is doing what you want whether other people make fun of you or not. if you hold yourself to other people's standards you will always lose.

Anonymous said...

So hilarious! I discovered this while trying to assess the ridiculous quotient of adults on scooters, and whether my age of 49 puts me in an acceptable coolness opt out category. I just really, really want one. I live in a small city village where I will see everyone I know over and over again and will become scooter-lady. I'm thinking it's an acceptable trade-off: dignity for fun and convenience... but then I imagine passing by people on the sidewalk, feeling their shock and derision. Will I be teflon enough to handle this? Will I feel the burn of shame on the back of my neck? Will people assume I'm mentally unstable? Cognitively deficient? I have to say I am heavily leaning toward not caring. I don't do drugs. I don't steal. I read and am kind to old people and children and... I want to ride an effing scooter!

Deokkyu Choi said...

You have a great fixed and closed mind~. Open your mind and sight. That kind of thinking seems like small but it grows up to the most of the discriminations.

Anonymous said...

After reading this, I decided to buy a kick scooter now on amazon.com