I Hate Office Culture
There is nothing fun about spending a nine-hour-day sitting in a cube staring at a computer screen that is not only destroying your retinas, but also slowly incinerating your soul. Nothing at all. Responding to banal emails blows, too. The same can be said about drinking piss-warm coffee and wearing uncomfortable clothes made from fabrics that tend to highlight any small condiment stain like a CSI halogen lamp. To be perfectly honest, I'd rather be a gravedigger than an office worker. If a career in grave digging paid more than what I do now, then I would be digging graves instead of sitting here bitching about my situation, because at least gravediggers feel a sense of accomplishment (I assume) at the end of the day, seeing that they shoveled all that dirt and stuff. The thing that I can think of that makes working in an office better than shoveling dirt is Pizza Day. And Pizza Day does not happen frequently enough to be a deciding factor in the timeless argument of grave digger vs. office minion.
And the debate rages on…
But regardless, I understand that I am trapped. Most people are. I'll go out on a limb and say that 75% of all people working in Corporate America would rather be doing something different for a living. So, I'm stuck., and you’re stuck, and that fucking blows. Now, cue the violin.
But, there are ways to improve day-to-day office life and make it tolerable. It’s not a lost cause by any means. Now, if we can improve on these few things that happen at work on a daily basis that I fucking hate more than hangnails and Susan Sarandon, it’s possible to live and see another day.
1) Painfully Unfunny Douchebags
All coworkers who make awful jokes should be driven up to the Catskills and shot. No questions asked, just get in the back of the fucking van and shut the fuck up. When I step onto an elevator and some douchebag says, "Hey, looks like we’re taking the local" because the elevator has stopped on more than one floor, I want to turn around and scalp them. It is not "the local" like the local subway trains. It is a fucking elevator. An elevator stops on multiple floors, that is its most basic function. I see what you did there, trying to sound clever, but please stop, it’s stupid, corny and hokey. And your unoriginal horseshit-commentary lets the girl standing next to you know (the one you've been trying to get drunk enough to lower her standards and hook up with you months now) that you're about as funny as a geriatric man shattering his hip on an icy sidewalk. So, either swallow your fucking tongue and stare blankly at the blinking lights like the rest of us sheep, or off to the Catskills you go.
2) Bathroom Talk
I am here to take a piss, not to talk to you. I don't give a shit that the fucking Knicks lost last night. I hate basketball, and now I hate you, so leave me the fuck alone before I accidentally piss on your gabardine pants, asshole.
Anyone who avoids eye-contact when passing me in the hallway is now fired. I'm not trying to fuck you, I'm just saying hello. Respond to me. Make me feel like a human-fucking-being. Am I smeared with blood and carrying a disembodied head around like it’s a lantern? No, I'm not - so what the fuck is wrong with you? Yeah, yeah, I get it, you're very important, you’re wearing expensive slacks and your glasses are adorned with trendy frames, and I am just a lowly rube, but the most basic thing that separates humans from motherfucking animals is our ability to interact through the art of motherfucking conversation, so when I say 'hi', you say 'hi' back to me, or I will take that blackberry you are pretending to look at and shove it up your puckered ass.
4) Scorn of the Sick Day
We live in a world where people are too terrified to stay home from work if they're sick, because they may be labeled with a stigma that says they’re weak and not willing to go the extra yard for the greater good of the company. I’m lucky, I have a strong immune system, and rarely get sick, but I’m not immune to shit, so if I have to listen to one more person who sounds like he/she has fucking SARS eating away at their face and throat, I'm going to lose it. If you're unable to function and need rest, STAY THE FUCK HOME, WHICH IS VERY FAR AWAY FROM ME! You are putting me at risk because your boss is a cocksucker, and now I have to wonder whether or not I'm looking at a couple of weeks of waking up with cotton in my lungs and a vice on around my temples. Well, no more of this shit. With the new rules implemented, if you come in to work sick, you're fired (or driven up to the Catskills). End of fucking story, end of problem.
5) Alma Mater Dropping
We are talking about the Yankees rotation, not the time you ran into a coked-up Chuck Knoblauch while enrolled at UPenn. So please, shut the fuck up, and start realizing that your education got you to the same exact spot that I'm in, HEYYYYOOOO!