I Hate Your Abbreviations

It's no secret that everyone in this country is getting lazier by the day. And I am no exception - I've gotten to the point where I wish there was a urinal under my desk because I dread having to walk the twenty steps to the bathroom. In my head it's the Bataan Death March. Fuuuucccckkkk, I have to walk by Derek, he is so fucking annoying, I don't care about your fucking kid's little league team...

I've also voiced my desire to have a water bottle attached to the wall by my bed at home. Like a hamster. God forbid I get out of bed and fetch myself a glass, no, I need a little tube so I can roll over on my soft belly and have a few sips in the middle of the night and make sure my feet don't get cold. And yes, I am aware that just two generations ago, Americans slaughtered Nazi's with cast-iron frying pans and survived without a 52'' HD Samsung TV and had no problem working 90 hours a week for $4.50 a day, so I don't need to hear it again.

Anyway, I blame all of these problems on science. So fuck you, science.

Unfortunately, this penchant for laziness bleeds into every aspect of our lives. For me, it's most notable at my place of work - as you have probably already surmised - where it's spreading like that rash on your inner-thigh (editor's note: GO SEE A FUCKING DOCTOR ALREADY).

I know I briefly touched on this subject last week, but I think it needs more touching on, because nothing makes me want to guillotine myself with a elevator door more than when people refuse to spell out shit that I need to do in an email. It's like deciphering the fucking Zodiac Killer's code.

"Hey A-, can you grab the DB's from C and bring them over to the AVFO bldg? Thx."

Wait, what? Was that English?

And it's only getting worse. If there isn't an acronym or a shortened version of the word already, some dickhead will create one.

"Thx..."

ARE YOU KIDDING ME? You couldn't spare less than one second of your stupid life to add in two more letters? Are you so preoccupied with backstabbing Johnny from sales that you couldn't just write "thanks." You deserve a errant brick to the head.

Here are a few more contractions/acronyms that make me want to murder...

IMHO
Too be honest, I'd rather listen to those retards on "The Real Housewives of New York" debate Canada's foreign policy than hear your "humble opinion." I know it's your opinion. You don't have to caveat everything you say just because you're a fucking little bitch. Here's my opinion: fall into a landfill filled with asbestos.

TTYL
Nope. Not talking to you later. Why? Because you're going to be DEAD!

COB/EOD
People who use this term can go get fucked. Just tell me you want it by the end of the day. Do you actually say "close of business" when you're talking to your coworkers? No, because you're not a Sudanese refugee, and you speak like every other moron in this country, so stop trying to sound smarter than you are. I already saw that James Patterson book on your desk, so give it up.

Plz
This falls in line with writing "thx." Just as douchey, just as blood-curdling. Now PLZ go get mounted by Lady GaGa, because you are terrible, and I hope your spouse is cheating on you.

TY
I've seen emails where a person uses this to sign off. TY. T-FUCKING-Y. That's it. This is the equivalent of a morbidly obese person getting cholesterol injected directly into their heart, because they've pretty much given up, and so have you.

FYI
For Your Information, I hate you. I also put laxatives in your coffee and licked your turkey sandwich while you were washing your hands. Enjoy!


One day, when I'm the boss (never), I'm just going to send out blank-fucking-emails, and follow up with the people that I send them to to make sure they understand it. And when they buck, I'm going to fire them on the spot, because that's the fuck how I do. "Oh what, you can write emails in Morse Code, but you can't decipher the meaning of my email? Well guess what? You're fucking FIRED."