I Hate Your Umbrella

It's such a simple concept: stay dry. Mankind has been accomplishing this feat for thousands of years. And yet you, you fucking idiot, you manage to mess it up. The minute the sky goes gray and the rain begins to fall, the asshole parade arrives, and with them they bring a fucking armory of umbrellas the size of satellite dishes, and zero common sense.

Let me start off by admitting that I am an idiot. I rarely use an umbrella out of spite. Spite for who, you ask? THE SKY. But seriously, I don't have an answer, but I will admit that I'd rather show up soaking wet and smelling like a dead cat than have to deal with caring for a $4 piece of metal and fabric, and/or be one of these people that runs around like the fucking Penguin every time Weather.com calls for a sprinkle. This is my nature, and I accept it. But what I can't accept is your insistence on using your umbrella like it's a fucking battle shield. You are not a Knight. You are a fucking sales executive for a pharmaceutical company. And a shitty one at that. Now grow up and pay attention to where you're walking. And be prepared for my swim technique if you happen to lose your way and cross into my path. I will grab a handful of fabric and metal break that fucking thing without any hesitation, my friend, so steer fucking clear. Your pinstriped-suit is not intimidating. And nice hair plugs, you washed-up dork.

Also, newsflash, RAIN CANNOT KILL YOU. Yes, that's right, unless your legs and arms are broken and your spine is snapped like a pretzel rod and you're stuck at the bottom of a ravine that is quickly filling up with rainwater, you will not die from the rain. It cannot kill you on contact. Oh, you know this already? How stupid of me to convey such an obvious thing? Well then, please explain WHY THE FUCK YOU FEEL THE NEED TO HOLD BACK EVERYONE ON THE SUBWAY STAIRS SO YOU CAN OPEN YOUR FUCKING UMBRELLA BEFORE A SINGLE DROP OF RAIN TOUCHES YOUR STUPID FUCKING BODY??? You're wearing a raincoat. A RAINCOAT. It's meant to get wet. You could dive into a puddle and anything covered by your raincoat will still come out dry as a fucking bone. But no, you must open your umbrella right now. You must smash it into that guy's face while doing so. You must pour errant water on the lady behind you and light that cigarette all nice and snug and dry. You must make sure the lock is clicked before you take one more step further up the stairs. The way I see it, if God had a sense of humor like mine, he'd blast you with lightning the second you emerged from the stairway. I can't wait until I win the lottery so I can stand at the top of the stairs during rainstorms, wait for people to pause to open their umbrella, and then kick them in the chest and watch with delight as they topple back down to where they came from. Waste of time and money? SURELY YOU JEST.

You know what else is fun? Rubbing your sopping-wet umbrella against me while we're in the elevator. Complete fucking bliss. Regardless of the fact that I'm already soaked, I'm so glad you rubbed your dirty fucking umbrella against my cheek, the same umbrellas that you were just dragging through piles of soggy garbage. I know, I know, you lack the fine motor-skills needed to close the fucking thing, it's a very complicated procedure. Now I can't wait to get to my desk and sterilize my face with a blowtorch.

You see, all courtesy goes out the window the minute it begins to rain in this fucking city. On the idiots' part, and on my part as a result. Manners disappear. And mentally, I will never get past how easy it is to use an umbrella without maiming someone, and yet, most people fail. So when I see Grandma coming down the block with her umbrella at the perfect height to scoop out my eyeball, I'm shoving that shit aside as quick as I can. When I see the 5'2'' guy barreling down the block with an umbrella the size of a deflated hot-air balloon, I change my trajectory and aim to shoulder-check him into that puddle filled with discarded hot dog water and vendor snot-loogies. Call me a dick, but you know what? It's time to learn how to un-complicate something that's so fucking simple. It will help you in becoming less of a douchebag.

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