I Hate Your Coffee Snobbery

I don't love coffee, I need coffee. It's an integral part of keeping me from pulling a Tender Branson. I would probably cease functioning without it. Maybe this is the case because I mainline it directly into my temple and spine, but who really knows?. And since drinking whiskey at 10am isn't considered "appropriate" or "charming," and I desperately need a stimulant to get through the day without hurling myself off a tenth floor landing, I slug down thirty cups of coffee and then wonder why my heart palpitates and flutters like you when you come across a photo album with a pony and a rainbow painted on it. But it gets me through nine hours of monotony and emailing, and for that, I thank you, Juan Valdez.

/bows appreciatively

Unfortunately, like everything in life, certain people found a way to ruin coffee. For example, coffee snobs; people who go out of their way to insult the kind of coffee I am drinking even though I don't give a shit if the brand is called "Diarrhea Bold," and at the same time, force me to fillet them with a butterfly knife...

Snob: What is that you're drinking there, friend?
Me: Coffee
Snob: Ah, coffee. From where?
Me: The deli down the street.
Snob: Really? Hmm...You see, I can't drink that pedestrian blend. It tastes like water to me. Have you tried the Roasted Gourmet Walnut Cafe Lala from The Espresso Blend House Extreme?
Me: No.
Snob: You mean to tell me that you've never heard of or tried Roasted Gourmet Walnut Cafe Lala? Pshhh, maybe that's why you're still drinking that toilet water.
Me: (jumps over table)
Me: (bites off snob's nose)

Why anyone would care what I am drinking is beyond my fucking comprehension. My brain cannot process why anyone would care what I eat, what I drink, or what I put into my syringes (hint: it's model glue). Unless I'm eating chicken noodle soup from a hollowed-out dog's skull, don't fucking bother me. If you sat down next to me, and you were sipping from a cup filled with blood, I wouldn't intervene. Enjoy your blood! Drink a gallon of it - I really don't care. If I see you dunking a straw in a urinal and taking some sips, while I may not make eye contact, I know that I definitely won't intervene. If I ever see you drinking milk straight from a cow's udder, I promise you, I will not interrupt, because I'm 100% serious when I say - I DON'T GIVE A FUCK!

As you know, I hate people that force their preferences on others. But forcing taste preferences is the absolute pinnacle of self-absorption. I shattered my nose three different times when I was a young, perennially drunken man. If you poured a pound of salt on a pepperoni stick, I would barely be able to taste anything. But should I have to explain this to you because you want me to drink a $3.99 cup of burned shit from a place that I would prefer to see firebombed? No, I shouldn't. Don't make me show you pictures from the morning after my nose was destroyed, because I'll whip them out while you're enjoying your Santa Fe Chicken Wrap, motherfucker.

I think coffee is one thing that's chic and timeless and douchey enough to keep people pretending they like shit even though they can barely swallow it. And these people will always insult what you drink, not only because they suck at life in general, but also because they are always trying to degrade their peers whenever given the chance. These people, deep-down, hate themselves and probably choke themselves with a belt sometimes. And I don't have pity for them. Personally, as I explained earlier, I drink coffee because there is a drug in it that makes my pupils glow and keeps me from sleeping in a bathroom stall during the day. Simple as that. I'm not super-fond of the taste or the after-taste that is similar to licking a bar ashtray. But honestly, I don't care if the coffee is from a gas station or from a freeze dried bag found in King Tut's fucking tomb, as long as there is caffeine in it and it gets me going, I'm a happy fucking guy. So, next time you feel the need to insult someone's choice of coffee, instead reflect on whether or not you think that they actually want to hear your stupid opinion, and then when you realize you are wrong, shut the fuck up and go find that belt.

And be forewarned - if you hand me decaf, I will use your face as a sink drain...HOW DARE YOU DEPRIVE ME OF MY DRUGS???