I Hate Commuting Nuisances

Some people hate commuting. Some people complain about how awful it is. These same people who whine about how much they hate commuting also get to go home to their 2,500 square foot home and their garage and the grass in their yard. These same people can go down the street and grab the paper without having to smell the stench of hot garbage and stagnant malaria puddles. These same people wake up, walk outside, and don't have to watch as a homeless man craps into an empty SoBe crate. I have no pity for these people. Yes, you would think that I too would hate commuting. Well, surprise! I don't. For the most part, I enjoy it. Peace and quiet for forty minutes? Yes, oh God yes. A comfortable seat and some good old-fashioned reading? FUCK YES.

But nothing in life is perfect - besides Darrelle Revis - and obviously there are some aspects of commuting that need to change. Because I am the model commuter, and I DEMAND THAT EVERYONE FOLLOW SUIT!


1. Men Who Sit in the Middle Seat of a Three-Seater
The MTA should dedicate one person on their payroll to enforce the "No men in the middle seat of a three-seater" rule. You fucking wish I was kidding that I demand a corrupt organization waste more tax dollars on something ridiculous. Nope - I think they should pay someone full salary and benefits to make sure no man sits between two other people, unless his leg is missing or he's blind. Whenever I see a man plop down in the middle seat, I have to fight off the urge to toss boiling coffee in his face. Because this man, little did you know, steals social security checks from old ladies and gives children Skittles laced with Raid. He also burns down every Boys & Girls Club he comes across and throws rocks at immigrants from El Salvador. This man is Satan wearing a Van Heusen fitted shirt. He fucking sucks, and he needs to be stopped.

2. Cell Phone Abusers
Anyone talking on a cell phone at a high volume should be bludgeoned with it. Anyone talking in a foreign tongue at 30 decibels should have the phone shoved up their ass. Racist? FUCK YOU. I don't want to hear some French lady giggle and scream into her phone about the fucking Strokes concert she's going to in nine months. And for all of you Americans out there. NOBODY WANTS TO LISTEN TO YOU, EITHER. I don't care if you're 65 years old, that's no excuse. Why did you wait until you entered a crowded train to call your fucking three-year-old nephew, ensuring that you repeat every sentence thirty times, each time getting closer and closer to screaming level, BECAUSE HE'S FUCKING THREE YEARS OLD AND CAN BARELY UNDERSTAND HOW TO SHIT IN A TOILET, LET ALONE UNDERSTAND THE COMPLEXITY OF THE ENGLISH FUCKING LANGUAGE AND YOUR STUPID QUESTIONS!

3. Eating
I've seen people eat multiple tacos on the train. I've seen people eat Chinese food from different containers on the train, and they even used the little packets of soy sauce and hot mustard. I once saw a kid sit down - between two guys in a three-seater - and whip out a cold cut hero from Subway that literally smelled like feet and balsamic vinegar, and then start chowing down at 7am. This kid was obviously Hitler's grandson. There is no eating etiquette anymore. I'm not sure if these people who shove three-course-meals into their faces don't have homes or families or whatever, but can't you fucking wait to get off the train? Eat on the platform. Eat in the bathroom. Eat anywhere else, because you are smelling up the car and everyone is hoping you slip on your way home and bash your head apart on an iron fence.

4. Ticket Renegades
This happens more than you would think. People get on the train and when the ticket-taker comes, they pretend they lost their ticket. A confrontation ensues, which means I have to divert my attention from my book and watch as it unfolds. It doesn't help when the ticket-taker acts like a fucking dick, which is usually the case: YOU HAVE AN OFF-PEAK TICKET? WELL THEN I'M CALLING THE COPS, COMPADRE. What if the renegade pulls out a gun and shoots the ticket-taker in the face, then what? Do I run? Will he shoot at me? Should I try and hit him with my Blackberry so I can be in the Journal News? If he fucking shoots the guy, I'm out, I'll call a cab from Fordham, I don't give a fuck...

And what about the scumbags who get on the train and head right into the bathroom to avoid the ticket-taker? The minute they lock the door, I will have to piss. It's like clockwork. Click...TIME TO PISS. One day I'm going to bring a container of pesticides on the train and wait for one of these Macgyvers to pull that shit, and then, LET THE FUMIGATION BEGIN!

5. Newspaper Divers
This happens after my commute, but is equally annoying. Guys climb up the newspaper disposals and lean in to grab free papers. At first I thought it was funny, then sad, and then I realized that many of these guys were wearing suits, and were not vagabonds. Real suits, on their way to work, just like me. I was in shock. I wanted to push these fucking cheap fucks right into the bin and then throw water balloons at them, only the water balloons would be filled with vomit. Because they deserve public mockery. They deserve all the ridicule in the world for being too fucking cheap to shell out a couple of quarters for a newspaper. If I was a boss (never) and came across an employee doing this, I would fire them immediately, and then decide whether or not to take off my shoe and beat them with it. Because these people are the worst-of-the-worst, and should be eliminated.

6. People Who Put Their Bag on the Empty Seat of a Two-Seater
There are 9,000 people lobbying for a spot, do you honestly think that nobody realizes that there's an empty seat under your pile of shit? Well guess what? WE DO. Now move your fucking Grand Central Market bag and put your organic peaches and kumquats on the floor because I'm sitting down next to you right now, and we're going to touch legs for the next fucking thirty minutes, so you better get used to the awkwardness of it. Oh, you're making an annoyed face? Well how about I toss this Bud Light in your face, will that help the sour puss you've developed while moving your bags? EAT SHIT AND DEAL WITH IT.