I Hate Corporate Fashion Codes


At least once a day someone on my floor will complain that it's too cold and call maintenance so they will turn down the AC. And at least once a day I will realize that my back is covered in a slick layer of sweat and I'm seeing stars because I'm dying of heat stroke. I hate when people do this. It's terrible. I'd rather be sucker-punched by someone holding a fistful of quarters than be subjected to the ninja thermostat move. And, I hate to generalize here, but it's mostly the gals who do this.

Now, I get the logistics behind you ladies getting a little bit chilly in the office. Most of you wear skirts and shirts without sleeves. Some wear even less. Maybe a sundress. But I refuse to believe that when you're getting dressed in the morning that you don't realize it might get cold in the office when YOU'RE NOT WEARING ANY FUCKING CLOTHES!!! Seriously, bring a sweater, or a space heater, light a fire in your garbage can and sing Doo-wop, anything to stop me from agonizing in a puddle of my own sweat. I AM DYING OVER HERE. You may be cold, but it's no comparison to how hot I am. When I hear people say, "Brrrrrr" and rub their shoulders, I want to lob grenades into their cube like it's the cab of a Panther Tank.

Maybe you don't understand what men have to wear to work to look "presentable." My pants feel like they're made out of fucking Kevlar and my shirt absorbs and retains heat like a fucking sleeping bag designed to keep hikers warm on the south face of Mt. Everest. If I walk ten feet outside in hot weather, I look like I just spent the day shadow boxing in a sauna. Thank God I don't have to wear a tie. If I got a memo saying that I had to wear a tie, I'd blow my brains out.

I wish for once we could just all take a deep breath and relax. What's wrong with linen khakis and a polo? Is that so fucking insulting? How about nice loafers with no socks? Would you lose sleep at night if I wore shoes like that? If you answer yes then you deserve to beaten with a fishing rod in front of your son, because you're not a man; you're a fucking douche. I will never understand why people care when someone wears something unconventional. It's not like I want to wear a fucking cock-ring through my pants and a leather vest that has the word LESBIAN embroidered in the back of it. It's a polo. It has a collar. What the fuck is the big deal?

You know who still really cares about traditions? Old people. Cranky old people who are casually racist and clip coupons even though they haven't spent a penny of their own money since 1957. Most traditions are fucking stupid. Fashion traditions: even stupider.

A few weeks back I took it upon myself to alter the casual Friday code and toss on a polo instead of a button-down. When I got to work, someone, I shit you not, said, "Whoa, a little early for a polo, no?"

Oh, I'm sorry, did I miss the polo memo? It's too early to wear a polo? Can I please borrow your fucking polo-wearing calendar, because I must have lost mine last night when I was punching your mom in the face. TOO EARLY??? WHY??? Because it wasn't technically summer? It was hot outside. I decided to wear a polo. Does that mean I'm not "in it to win it"? Does that mean I don't care about my job? How fucking twisted and shallow does someone have to be in order to judge someone's dedication to their job based on what style of fucking shirt they're wearing? Gandhi wore fucking tighty-whiteys and didn't eat for like 6 months, but he really didn't care about India's liberation, because if he did, he would have gone to Brooks Brothers and gotten himself a nice double-breasted monkey suit and some cool Kenneth Cole shoes, right, right?

(swan-dives off GW Bridge)

Every day on my way to work, I see people dressed to the nines and wonder whether they feel the same way as me. But I'm sure they don't. I'm sure their suit makes them feel great, and they can't wait to get a new one. And you know what, fine, I have no problem with people wanting to look nice. If buying suits is your thing, cool, go buy a fucking rack of them. Go dry-hump a closet full of gabardine. But why do I have to conform? Why do I have to spend ridiculous amounts of money on clothes that make me want to fucking vomit? I'm not asking to come to work looking like a fucking homeless person, but why not make things more comfortable for the men? Maybe productivity will go up? Maybe people will be *GASP* happier and more pleasant? Maybe I won't have to throw a shit-fit when the thermostat is switched from 70 to 98? The possibilities are endless!

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