I Hate Your Pitiful Remakes, Hollywood

When I saw the trailer for the remake of Billy Zabka's immortal classic, "The Karate Kid," my initial reaction was to laugh it off. But I saw it again, and my scoffing turned into heavy breathing, which in turn gave me a sour stomach, which then began to produce thoughts of branding my eyeballs with iron rods stenciled with Pat Morita's face, hopefully sending me into a permanent state of insanity so I wouldn't be allowed near theaters showing this heaping pile-of-shit. Fuck you Will Smith's kid, you suck. And you too, Jackie Chan, you should be ashamed of yourself. RALPH MACCHIO WILL KICK YOUR FUCKING ASS!!!

(rocking back and forth in the corner)

So where does it end? Where does Hollywood draw the line and stop destroying classics so they can milk fat, brain-dead idiots who don't know any better than to just toss away their cash to see movies they can already see for less money by buying the original DVD from Target for $5.99, minus the absurd amount of added special effects and John Travolta's neatly-cropped mustache?

I fully understand that Hollywood is a business. Oh, you thought it was all about red carpets and magic and marquee lights, and the story behind a sweet innocent Kansas City teenager getting her big-break and then turning into a superstar overnight and then winning an Oscar, and then making a bomb costarring Kevin Costner and then falling from grace and subsequently acquiring a taste for some choice Bolivian Marching Powder and then making a sex tape with a 7'4'' MMA fighter from Algeria that eventually turns out to be her "rock bottom" which in turn sends her into rehab which then creates the perfect stage for an epic comeback? Well guess what - YOU'RE WRONG. It doesn't work that way. Only your stupid brain works that way, probably because of all those whip-its you did in the parking lot of a Dave Matthews concert back in 1997. Producers will do ANYTHING to make a dollar. A remake of "Gone with the Wind"...SET ON THE SUN? I love it, how quickly can it be green-lit? "The Wizard of Oz" re-imagined as a slapstick comedy starring those two gay kids from "Twilight"? How much should I make the check out for? There is no limit to the madness.

Where are the original ideas? If we could clone Charlie Kaufman and the Coen brothers, we may be able to salvage the movie business, but my prototype cloning machine isn't working properly, because instead of making another me it keeps spitting out soggy toast. So, until I get this shit worked out, we are all FUCKED.

(plants screwdriver into light socket)

It's gotten to the point where movies are being remade before the originals are even dated. How about "The Hulk"? That shit was remade like 16 months after Ang Lee made his horse-shit version. And both of them sucked. And there are rumors swirling right now about "Spiderman" being re-imagined already. WHAT THE FUCK? At least when the Batman franchise started up again in 2005, it had been ten years since that hack Joel Schumacher turned the last two Batman movies of the 1990's into a fucking off-Broadway musicals about two sexually frustrated men wearing costumes with plastic nipples fighting off villains covered in neon paint. *Shudders* Couldn't have been gayer. And at least the two newest versions featured an awesome director in Christopher Nolan*. But soon he will tire of the franchise, and so will Christian Bale, and then Kevin Smith will take over as director and hire Orlando Bloom to star and I'll be too busy to notice because I will be dangling from a highway overpass.

I used to love IMDB. I cruised that site more often than Ricky Martin does a Santa Ana truck stop. I'm always checking out what's coming up in the next few years, getting overexcited about shit that will probably die before it even reaches pre-production. But recently, I've found myself staying away from the site because I've been coming across remake after remake after remake of movies that have NO BUSINESS being remade. "The Warriors"? Really? Fuck you, Tony Scott. You're moving the setting to Los Angeles, and it's going to be set in the modern day? So why even call it "The Warriors"? Oh that's right, because you want to use the name of the original movie and rape any happy memories fans have of the original, you fucking cock.

At one point I came across a listing for "The Wild Bunch," and next to the title was a future date, like 2011 or something. I immediately began loading a pistol and searching for the producer's home address. But as I investigated further, I realized it was actually a cartoon about wild animals that was using the title and poster image of the original. Get it, The Wild Bunch? WUCKA-WUCKA! What a great idea for producers to model a cartoon after a movie in which 90,000 Mexicans are Swiss-cheesed with a Gatling Gun by the baddest motherfucking cowboys ever, and a bunch of innocent people are slaughtered on the streets by crossfire, and throats are slit and people are shot in the face? PERFECT for the kids. But seriously, why would ANYONE pick this movie's title as a moniker for a kid's cartoon? What fucking idiot thinks a 5 year old is going to make the connection to a movie made 41 years ago? And what fucking idiot thinks a parent will make the connection and then say, "Oh honey, I think it's time little Bobby is introduced to the world of MURDER. After all, he just turned five."

Someone also had the bright idea to remake "Red Dawn." Never heard of it? That's because you're a COMMUNIST. In short, it's a movie about eight American kids from Colorado who band together to fight off a Russian/Cuban invasion. It was made at the height of the Cold War in 1984. It starred Charlie Sheen, Patrick Swayze, Jennifer Grey, and C.Thomas Howell. And it was AWESOME. I totally wanted to be a wolverine. I would fucking destroy those Commie bastards and free all my friends from the concentration camps in my town and become a legend. But the movie was also terrifying. Kids were killed, people were executed; it was really intense. The premise was obviously ridiculous, but still, the movie made you think about what would happen if the U.S. was invaded. Anyhoo, the remake is set to be released this November. I suggest boycotting it. Did I mention Tom Cruise's son is in this? He totally looks like a little bitch. This is going to seriously suck...

None of these straight remakes are worth pissing on, even if the only cut of the film is burning in a garbage can. They're not worth my spit, which is why I have stopped spitting on the move posters. They are all stupid. Most re-imaginings are too. But for some reason, they rake in cash at the movie theaters. I blame MTV. But my biggest question is, are any films are off-limits? Are there plans to remake "The Godfather"? If so, someone please shoot me in the face with a elephant gun, because I do not want to part of the human race when that happens. Thanks.



*my only beef with "The Dark Knight"? Maggie Gyllenhaal. No way am I buying that a billionaire playboy wants to fuck her. To be perfectly honest, there's no way am I buying anyone wanting to fuck her. She looks like the mushy pumpkin. There are 4,000 leading ladies out there and every-single-one of them would have been a better choice. Even her brother would have been a better choice. I have a hard time getting past this, because every time I watch it, I'm like C'MON, NOLAN, GYLLENHAALL, REALLY? WHAT THE FUCK???