I Hate Pickup Trucks


There is nothing cool about owning a pickup truck without purpose. Farmer - fine. Professional dirt bike racer - fine. Mexican - fine. Own a barn - fine. But if you're a suburban dad who works at a law firm and you own a F-150 with 30 inch tires, I hope you burn your house down while grilling hamburgers for your fat, stupid kids. You are a shithead. Just because your hair is thinning and because you can't get it up anymore does not give you permission to buy a truck that your wife needs a stepladder to get in to.

I fucking hate pickup trucks. If there was an official emblem for fucking douchebags, there would be a hick pickup owner and a hipster mini-cooper owner fucking each other on it. Unless you are one of the aforementioned people from the beginning of this post, there is no purpose to owning a pickup, besides tailgating at NASCAR events and filling the truck-bed with Milwaukee's Best and yelling at women with cankles and getting a terrible sunburn and then going home and hitting your wife and getting arrested with no shirt on. Pickups were created for a reason - to move shit that normal cars could not, from point A to point B, not for you to drive in circles in a mud patch and listen to mashups of Kid Rock and Garth Brooks.

Whenever I'm on the highway and a pickup truck goes speeding past me at the fucking speed of light, I silently pray it fishtails and then skids into a deep ravine, shattering into a million pieces, then explodes into a fiery hell to burn away any DNA remnants of the asshole who was driving the truck. Maybe I just need to understand why, why you insist on driving 90 mph on a back road and kick rocks at my fucking windshield? Where are you going? Do you have to shit real bad? If that's the case, then fine, drive like a madman, but if you are just so inbred that you NEED to drive like Ray-fucking-Charles, than you deserve nothing less than a telephone pole sandwich.

And nothing gets me more than pickup truck decor. Oh, you have Calvin from Calvin and Hobbes pissing on Osama Bin Laden's face on your mudflaps? Wow, what a patriot you are! Go fuck yourself in a sauna, have a heart attack, and die. And what about that confederate flag painted on your back window? I bet you feel real cool dropping racial slurs with your friends Bubba and Jim Lee and Hank and Stinky, but why don't you go carouse a neighborhood that isn't more interested in Bobby Labonte's favorite snack food than the social progression of the 21st century, you fucking hillbilly. Oh look at that, you have a sticker that says OBX on the back window? Now that's telling, considering all the fucking rough and tumble tough guys who go brawl outside their 12 bedroom beach houses in Nags Head.

This weekend was like the gumball rally of asshole pickup truck drivers. Every motherfucker with a flat bed took to the roads, tail gating and menacing 89-year-old retirees on their way to see their grandchildren, weaving through traffic nearly clipping every car out of sight range, determined to not miss another minute of fucking fun in Myrtle Beach, Ocean City, or Wildwood. And why not? This is America, goddammit. Go ahead and drink that six pack of Bud Heavy you have in the console and go ahead and put camping lights on your truck even though you couldn't start a fucking fire with a canister of gasoline and a flamethrower. Go ahead and whistle at girls who would rather ingest cyanide tablets than spend three seconds smelling your Skoal breath. Go ahead and beat up those Guatemalan immigrants and throw your empty Mountain Dew bottles out the window and go ahead and trim your Fu-Man-Chu 'stache. You fucking earned it, you paid your taxes, right? You're a goddamn pickup truck owner!

Real men don't need pickups to feel like a bad-ass. Like Lee Marvin. Lee Marvin probably drove a Chevy Impala. And he probably pulled more ass driving a stock Impala than you ever will in your souped-up Dodge. I bet he fucking slapped guys like you and then drank a bottle of Jack Daniels and smoked two packs of unfiltered Lucky Strikes. You know why? Because he was a fucking man, not some half-wit in jean shorts rocking Hanes high socks and all black Adidas from 1998.

18 comments:

Anonymous said...

Fantastic... and very fitting after this holiday weekend. I kept wondering why the hell these pick up trucks drive so fast. I'd be going 85 and they'd still blow by so fast that my car would shake.

Anonymous said...

You sound like a butthurt faggot. Why you angry though? Your prius stuck in the snow?? Pickups should be the only cars people drive. They can do everything a normal car can do x100. Where do you live anyways? Where i'm from you can't survive the weather in a small ass acura integra or bmw.

ARAR said...

This comment makes me so happy for so many reasons.

1. Because I hate pickup trucks, I'm a butthurt faggot who drives a Prius and/or an Acura Integra and/or a BMW.

2. "Pickups are the only cars people should drive." Agreed, if by people you mean "homophobic hicks who need to compensate for their tiny dicks."

3. Do you live in Antarctica? Why can't you survive where you live without a pickup? Did they ban SUV's? Do they assume you are a butthurt faggot if you don't drive a pickup and kill you?

Darwin said...

U.S. isn't the only place Douche Bag pick up drivers ride the asses of others. Here in Canada, I worry about the safety of my family with all the inbred rednecks driving their F350s like morons. I look forward to the day when gas prices go up enough to thin out the herd of losers. Then more fuel efficient vehicles will be driven on our local roads and I can feel a bit safer not having head-hunting bumpers tailgating my young family while they go to the grocery store.

Anonymous said...

fucking asshole pickuptrucks OWN america you
will NOT get rid of them as long as you live
probably not for too long and all this bullshit about
homophobic and compensating

1. We dont have to like faggots so just live with it

2. if driving a big truck is compensating, is driving
a Golf directly admitting it then?

Fuck you piece of shit

Anonymous said...

Thank you man, I'm with you!

And for you fucking losers who drive those farming equipment on public roads just to get there grocery shopping at walmart, you do look stupid in those ugly trucks. I live in northern Canada I as one of the losers said above that you need one in the winter, well...let me say that you can live without one of those ugly trucks, I never needed one and I never got stuck in snow, always had FWD and not even a problem in the winter. They should learn that a vehicle is all about character, design an efficiency.

Anonymous said...

Actually, I hate pickups for another reason. The TRUTH is, they only drive one of two speeds. Either like a homicidal, dickless homo riding peoples asses when theres a foot of snow on the ground OR, 10 miles and hour SLOWER than everyone else.
9 times out of 10 when traffic is moving along at a snails pace, I look ahead and their will be some scraggly loser with his rusted out pickup just putting along, oblivious to the rest of the people around him.
DONT BE BUTTHURT ABOUT IT, its the truth. I see this every single frigging day.
,Also, a survey posted recently said pickup trucks are the NUMBER ONE vehicle pulled over for DUIs.

Anonymous said...

Another issue about pickup trucks....they are a sure indicator of a trashy neighborhood. I'm moving and one of the first things I do to check out a prospective neighborhood is do a truck check. If I see lots of trucks parked in the driveways (and I don't want hear the crying about how "my truck don't fit in that there garage") I know its a bad hood. Property values are in decline and foreclosures will be on the rise.

Anonymous said...

OMG I HATE HATE HATE men in pickups! They act like they own the road, will tailgate you even if you did 100+ mph. I had one slam into me a few months back and now I live with severe pain because of it. EVERY wreck I see lately is some pickup truck driver that has rearended someone. Start jailing these jerks!!!!

Anonymous said...

Couldn't have said it better.

I actually have a funny antidote for you guys about fucking with the pickemup truck drivers I use to deal with in Watsonville California.

So about 2 years ago I moved to California and started a job that had me traveling in a piece of shit prius (company car) every day over the same route.

Over time I began to notice that the local populace seemed to in general have an issue with the Prius. At first I thought it was just me but over time it was clear. People would pass and tailgate me twice as often as if I were in my Subaru regardless of my speed or driving style.

(No surprise, most Prius drivers are hippy grandmas)


So.. the road I took (Rt. 152 to Gilroy) is about 2 miles of highspeed straights through "rurlurbia" which then turns into a tight mountain pass up and down a 1500 foot mountain.

Now I drove quick enough on the straights (65+ in a 45-50) that most of the SUV brand Desuch wouldn't bother to tailgate/pressure unless I had passed them first. But for reasons unknown every 30-50something yr old white trash farm owner in their F350 and their POS migrant fleet of 90's flatbeds would rage on my bumper for the entirety
of the straights.

I used to get enough satisfaction from blowing them away as soon as we got to the curves/uphill but over time I got fed up. It was literally almost every single pick-up that did this. Something like 80% of the time there was a pick-up sniffing up my ass.

So after a few few months of getting tailgated every day I started to fuck with the trucks with a plan that I implemented for over 2 years.

1. Drive at my pace through the straights

2. Inevitably said trucks will appear and tailgate. Give them a solid mile to chill-out or see if they have the balls to pass me at 65+ on a two-lane road with no clear passing chances (99% won't try)

3. If they were still behind me after a mile I'd slow down (gradually) to the speed limit and laugh at them as they got pissed and tried to intimidate? me by getting as close as possible. (Meanwhile I usually took a mental note of a few of their plate numbers and the make/model/color of the truck)

4. As we approached the grade I'd wait for the first blind corner, slow down to crawl and shout that their truck is a piece of shit and that I was saving the environment with my Prius (Ahaha they really dont!). Then promptly peel out and disappear up the hill having fun all the way to the summit. Where occasionally I'd pull onto a shoulder to wait and lay down the law.

5. Aforementioned truck would pass and I would get behind them and start tailgating/ pressuring them back down the mountain.

6. Best part. Instead of going slow to get revenge most of thesde darwin awardees would actually try and outrun a CAR that weighs a ton less down a challenging pass.

OHH the pure JOY and simple Excitement I got out of watching those balding fucks get scared out of their minds as they tried not to understeer off a cliff or into a redwood while simultaneously being hunted down by a shitty Prius... Poetic Justice.

Tailgating those slow pieces of shit was some of the most fun I've ever had driving despite years of enjoyment in a B-spec Legacy.



Seeing as almost all pick-up drivers are easily butthurt over this issue I'd like to conclude this story with some notes.

Anonymous said...

DEAR DIPSHITS

-The vast majority of truck drivers are the last people who would or could use a truck. Same for the SUV twats.

-No matter how good you think you are at driving... you're awful. Trust me. You don't know anything and would get scraped by an economy car on any ROAD course because your in a (you guessed it) ...Truck.

-Prius (not that I'm defending their slow spongy tendencies) run consistent 17's and even 16's on a 1/4 mile.

9/10 stock pick ups on the street dont (or barely) run 18's. The prius is faster than you off the line... to 50... and probably all the way to about 110 where it tops.

*Remember that next time you "haul major ass" at 85mph past everyone on a highway.

Ohhh and Btw this is coming from someone who loves watching a TT Raptor rip 14's at their local strip. Unfortunately raising your truck doesn't make it a SVT. It makes it unstable around corners.

-The excuse that you need your truck for weather or mud/snow (in BayArea California especially) is irrelevant. While living in New England I towed trucks out of peoples yards all the time. In an outback. AKA the type of car that makes most of your truck fans idiots for even owning pick-up.

-Most (not all of course) 4x4 wagons can swallow rougher terrain. Climb better, Travel through deeper snow, and of course carve down a paved mountain pass faster, safer, and more efficiently... (Many with a nice short throw 5-speed too)



So there it is... from a car person...

A short story and rant about why trucks (and SUVS) are generally the most useless pieces of shit out there on the roads today.

I always disdained trucks but my time in California showed me why I truly hate them. Useless... pieces of crap that you probably bought because you fell into a marketing demographic.

Have fun with your center of gravity you fat fucks. Ohhh and get the fuck out of my way.

Anonymous said...

I have no problem with pick up trucks. It's some of the drivers that piss me off. The whole tailgating thing is annoying as all get out. I have a Jeep TJ (wrangler in The United States) so I don't drive a car but I also don't drive like a bag of shit. I try and respect other drivers on the road.

Anonymous said...

Most of you guys don't know the reason why trucks may tailgate you. I own a lifted diesel Ford Super Duty. I hate small cars, first of all because they could do 100x less what my car can do. Pick-up trucks are for work and having a good time. And most small cars think they drive fuel efficiently, when in-fact most of you narrow-minded sedan drivers think you do, but do exactly the opposite. I tailgate only if I need to, and that is usually with small cars being involved. The reason....they brake so fucking excessively! You don't need to you use your brakes so fucking much and your wasting gas! That is why we tailgate you, we want to conserve gas and brakes which you fuckers don't understand. Most truck drivers, especially lifted, know more about cars than you because they do custom work on them. They have more knowledge about cars and thus chose the pickup for a multitudes of reasons. Most diesel's get as good mpg's as Volvo's, Outback's, BMW's, Mercede's, and with some smart modifications that auto-wise truck owners know, can get much better mpg. Besides diesel, even though thicker is better for us to breathe in than invisible gas smog. Besides having the power being close to a 18-wheeler and 5x more power than a Hyundai, they have surprisingly similar mpg's. Lifted truck drivers are smart about how they drive and they drive efficiently, and make sure of it, while small car drivers drive the least efficient, overusing everything in their car, creating more stress on the car. Truck drivers will get mad at you or blow black smoke most likely because you are not driving efficiently. Besides most small cars I see do many more dangerous maneuvers on the road (cutting across 3 lanes of traffic just so they don't miss the turn, cutting out of a shopping center as quickly as they can), always creating a hazard. Truck drivers drive slowly in traffic creating more of a safe environment then you car drivers zipping in and out. If they drive fast is because the small car driver must be driving non-effeicently, or just wrong. Besides diesel can run on MANY more fuels than diesel alone, making them very versatile for future energy needs, and do not depend on oil companies (all non-diesel's are). Besides my daily-driver SuperDuty runs on free waste vegetable oil so all you small car owners can fuck yourselves! Free fuel and the the epitome of eco-friendly! You are extremely narrow-minded of the versatility of a pick-up.

Anonymous said...

Dude... The faggot above me is the perfect example of why we HATE trucks.


Absolutely perfect. Inferiority complex and all.

You people are pathetic at trying to prove yourselves.

It's laughable.

Anonymous said...

i cant do this. all you ass wholes hate trucks! why! i live in Durant Oklahoma. this is how we make a living. you can tell alot about a man by what he drives if it is a truck he is a man if it is a car he is a pissed off little prick with a napoleon dick! this is my truck 1 1963 c20 she gets a grand 10 miles to the gallon and i like it because im a real redneck! and yes she is a rust bucket!

D.K. said...

Can we start the Redneck Holocaust now? The sooner these cousin fuckers are removed from the gene pool, the better.

Anonymous said...

People that drive trucks for no useful reason have small dick and small brain syndrome, and are more commonly known as “Rednecks”. And if you’re proud to announce to the world of your extra small dick and brain than have at it!

Anonymous said...

You guys are a bunch of butt hurt bitches its not just people in pick ups! I've seen douches in there fucking dumb ass cars go passed me when I'm doing 85. So shut the fuck up you dumb mother fuckers and get over it! People drive stupid, its not about the pick up or car its whoever is fucking driving its there mentality not the car or trucks fault you dumb bitches! Get the sand out of your vaginas! Quit trying to hate on farmers because they grow your fucking food you selfish bitch. And I have a small dick because I'm a redneck? I'd give a fuck but I gave it to your mom last night...