Robert De Niro's agent should be skinned and then rolled through a sandbox filled with crumbled salt and vinegar chips. No, no, no fuck that - he should be bound with electrical tape, water-boarded with bum urine, then skinned, and then rolled through a sandbox filled with crumbled salt and vinegar chips. Because what he's done to the career of one of the greatest actors in history is an absolute fucking travesty. And yes, I know, the agent's agency is really to blame (CAA, which De Niro, believe it or not, finally wised-up and fired in 2008) but still, I'm blaming this one particular agent, one who I'm sure has wispy $20,000 hair-plugs and one who wears douchey sunglasses indoors with a big stupid DG insignia on the side and silk-slacks that perfectly highlight his balls to the disgust of everyone who is forced to sit and look at his fat ass as he downs a salad coated with Ranch dressing and crumbled bacon, because it's easier to channel all my hatred toward one person than an entire company.
HOW COULD YOU FUCKING DO THIS, YOU FAT FUCK? LOOK WHAT YOU DID TO BOBBY! AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
(sobs under a table)
The decline of De Niro's career since the end of the 1990's is scary. It went from a 10 to a 2.5 in less than a decade. His performances over the past ten years have been cringe-inducing and borderline embarrassing. It's like watching an old divorced man re-released upon the single's scene, frequenting bars and hitting on a bunch of hot chicks who want nothing to do with his Wrangler jeans and comb-over and scent of approaching death that trails him. You know at one point in his life, this guy could have had pretty much any girl he wanted. Now, he's just a fucking creep with cheap-gin-breath and a warped perception of what's "cool." And that sums up what De Niro's career has become. It's so lost, it's not even mockable anymore. But I don't blame De Niro entirely. No, no - I mostly blame his agency, because they're the ones who should have been steering him away from the nonsense he's been marqueeing over the past decade. Let's be honest - if you had the track record De Niro had, and someone gave you $10,000,000 to be in a shitty movie, you would take it. Because, why not?
But just as a reference, here are most of the gems he's starred in from 2000-2009:
2000 - "Men of Honor"; "The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle"
2001 - "15 Minutes"; "Showtime"
2002 - "City by the Sea"; "Analyze That"
2004 - "Godsend"; "Meet the Fockers"; "The Bridge of San Luis Ray"
2005 - "Hide and Seek"
2006 - "The Good Shepherd"
2007 - "Stardust"
2008 - "What Just Happened"; "Righteous Kill"
2009 - "Everybody's Fine"
Aside from "Meet the Parents" and "The Score" (both of which hit theaters before the end of 2001, which, for those of you keeping score, was almost nine years ago), he has wasted ten fucking years making heaping-piles of unwatchable dogshit. "Stardust" is the worst title in the history of film; it sounds like the biopic of Clay Aiken. And what the fuck is, "The Bridge of San Luis Ray"? And “Rocky and Bullwinkle”? Are you fucking serious? Robert De Niro in a live-action cartoon? Just writing that past sentence makes me wish I had a pistol. Someone must have been blackmailing him with photos of him strangling a drifter with piano wire, because it's the only excuse for such an abysmal run.
I understand when comedic actors hit their apex and then start making bombs (i.e. Steve Martin, Chevy Chase and more recently, Jim Carrey), because unfortunately society adjusts to what is currently considered "funny." But how does this happen to a perennial Oscar contender like De Niro, who, up until 1999, was nominated about 8,000 times for best actor? It doesn't make sense.
So, in short, fuck you, ex-De Niro-agent, I hope you end up contracting gonorrhea from Susan Sarandon and go blind. You ruined a whole decade of potential movie magic. And since Bobby is not getting younger, I now have to re-watch "Raging Bull" for the 700th time in order to remember how great of an actor he was, and try not to kill myself by the end of it.
